Writer's Block

I'm frustrated. I have three or four solid topics to discuss with you all, but I can't stay focused long enough to write them. I apologize--the words just aren't coming this week. I'm having...what do you call it...word retrieval issues.

In the meantime, consider this:
Is it "writer's block" or "writers' block" or "writers block"? I could rationalize each apostrophe placement. "Writer's block" would mean the block belonging to a particular writer. Makes sense. But so does "writers' block," the block affecting many writers, or just "writers block," a phrase so common that the apostrophe has become obsolete.

I have the same issue with driver(')s(') license. And visitor(')s(') guide.

Your thoughts? Is there an official rule for this?

Diary from the Edge

Monday. 11:50 AM. Three and a half hours since we discovered our office internet is down. We’ve isolated the problem to the Ethernet router box. “Mac” at AT&T tech support tells me our modem is receiving full “ping,” which means the problem is with our hardware, not AT&T’s signal. Gary, our network specialist, won’t call me back.

The problem is far-reaching. No internet means no office email, no yahoo email, no other email, no intra-office server, no instant messenger.

Cell phone battery just died. Totally isolated.

No server files—nothing to work on. Doesn’t matter, though—no one to send work to. Made some mailing labels to pass the time.

Can’t think of a more descriptive word than “far-reaching.” What’s the word I’m looking for…? Curses! Thesaurus.com won’t load. Of course.

12:07 PM. Lunchtime. Pepperoni Pizza Smartwich is unfulfilling. Nothing to do while eating. Long for slate.com. Stare at blank screen. Co-worker attempts conversation. Human interaction? How foreign.

12:13 PM. Discover stray copy of Time magazine. Barack Obama on cover. Read article. Intriguing. Should investigate his book tour & share info with talent committee. Crap. Never mind.

1:11 PM. Boss needs phone number of steering committee member. Attempt to open database. Damnit. Hand instinctively clicks on internet explorer icon to access www.yellowpages.com. AAAAAHHHH! Do we have a phone book here? Blow dust off of phone book, find number.

2:03 PM. Would anyone notice if I snuck off to local library to get a fix?

2:15 PM. Looking out my window? You tube? MSN? JobsArkansas.com? Hellllooooo…….?

2:34 PM. Lsdfa sdf wesf;lk awseoisdf asd;lwevs;lbnas

Punkin Patch

In the spirit of the season, here are a few punkin jokes:
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

Why do jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!


And some punkin facts:
The tradition of pumpkin carving originally started with the carving of turnips. When the Irish immigrated to the U.S., they found pumpkins a plenty, and they were much easier to carve for their ancient holiday.

In early colonial times, pumpkins were used as an ingredient for the crust of pies, not the filling.

Pumpkins were once recommended for removing freckles and curing snake bites.

The largest pumpkin ever grown weighed 1,140 pounds.


Happy carving!
PS: Punkin jokes and facts courtesy of www.pumpkinpatch.com

Edit

Say this out loud:

Edited it

Isn't that great? Ed-di-di-dit. I try to work it into everyday conversation as often as possible. Some of you knew that already. But it's still funny to me.

That's all.

Downtown in a Nu-nu-nu-rou

There's something that's been bothering me for a while now. I've spent an unnecessary amount of mental energy worrying about it. Perhaps you've been troubled, too. Allow me to allay your concerns. These are the official words to the chorus of the Fall Out Boy song "Sugar, We're Going Down":

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it

Which is a relief, because this is what I thought the chorus said:

We're going downtown, in a nu-nu-nu-rou
And Sugar, weou going down sweou-eou
I'll be your never wah with a bullet
A lunnit gun complex cockpit and pull it

But now that I've seen what the actual words are, I understand why I couldn't make sense of the lead singer's poorly-enunciated croonings--the real words are crazy talk!

Let's parse it out:

We're going down, down--is this a sexual reference? a melodramatic metaphor for a downwardly spiraling relationship?
In an earlier round--ah! maybe it's a boxing reference! But, in an EARLIER round? Fall Out Boy, are you trying to get all deep on me here?
And, Sugar--really? Sugar? I can only assume the speaker is trying to be snide because he literally would be going down if he called me Sugar.
We're going down swinging--So, we're talking about a fight, then? Yet, according to the verses, he's just a notch on her bedpost. So would she really be interested in fighting with him? Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not her.
I'll be your number one with a bullet--Ah! I've got it! He's disgruntled because he was into her and she wasn't feeling it, so now he's gonna be her "number one" by holding her at gunpoint! Makes perfect sense.
Loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it--Awesome. Only one question--is he shooting himself or her?

Wow. How original. A bunch of angry, mal-adjusted white guys whining over a relationship-gone-bad. Perhaps the poor enunciation was a ploy to get me to pay attention to their cheesy song. Well it worked. But I still like my lyrics better.

Pop music got you down? Tell _The_Analyst about it.

Formula for Fall

Time for a new poetic form. Today's challenge: write an original tercet on an autumnal theme. Tercet: A complete poem of three lines. It can be of any length, meter, or rhyme scheme.


Out came the sweaters, their boxes
Restocked with sheer blouses, blithe skirts.
Forecast this morning read eighty...

Why?

On the Loss of Red Pentel

Red-felt-tip stealer,
Why not blue ballpoint instead?
Joyless scrawling. Woe.

Wanted: Career Counselor

Top Ten Jobs I Would Like to Have But Don't Know How

1. Sommelier
2. Hair Stylist to the Stars
3. Master Carpenter/Furniture Designer
4. Contractor (specializing in historical preservation)
5. Poet Laureate
6. Seamstress/Dress-maker
7. Personal Assistant to an important political/public figure
8. Documentary Film Maker
9. Food Stylist (for print and television advertisements)
10. Philanthropist/President of My Own Charitable Trust

If anyone knows of an opening in any of these areas for someone with no experience or training, let me know. Seriously. I work cheap.


Share your secret career aspirations with _The_Analyst.

"..."

Kudos go out to an unnamed source (you know who you are) who found this little gem nestled among the auto ads, gun show announcements, and lumber yard coupons that comprise the OZARK TRADING POST Weekly Shopper's Guide:




There are just no words. I don't even know where to begin.

I cannot, in good conscience, keep this one for myself. This must be a team effort. Who is this man? Who will respond to his ad? Why the Ozark Trading Post? What should the title of this entry be? Let the analysis begin.

Frozen Fare

Alas, the sedentary workday of an administrative assistant affords few opportunities for exercise. Nor does the lowly salary afford much room in the budget to purchase bigger pants. Therfore, I've begun exploring the low-calorie realm of prepackaged frozen lunches. Fortunately, the frozen foods industry has made great strides since the days of salisbury steak and potatoes with mystery gravy. A quick trip down your local grocer's frozen entree aisle will reveal a wide variety of palatable, reasonably-priced options, many containing only 200-350 calories. Throw in a diet coke and you've got yourself a bona fide low-cal lunch in less than five minutes! (Which means more time to check your email, read your favorite online news magazine, or find out what Paris and TomKat have been up to today.)

_The_Analyst's Frozen Food Tips and Tricks:
My current favorite frozen entree brand is SmartOnes by Weight Watchers, which seems to feature a wider variety of flavors and ingredients than other brands. I particularly enjoyed the Chicken Enchiladas Suiza (or something like that), which were quite tasty and came in a suprisingly rich sauce, although they were a bit soggy.
Proceed with caution when purchasing pasta dishes. While the box-top photo will depict mountains of heavenly al dente noodles covered in a rich creamy sauce, we all know better than that. Don't be fooled. The box will contain approximately ten noodles and a small puddle of sauce. If you can handle that, go for it.
Steer clear of the mashed potatoes. The texture comes out all wrong and they tend to dry out around the edges. Mashed potatoes should be savored, not chewed. Try the rice dishes, instead. They tend to be the most filling, and the texture is quite normal.

This Week's Menu:
South Beach Diet Supreme Pizza, 340 calories--To my knowledge, the frozen foods industry still has not mastered the art of microwaveable pizza. I think it may be time to let go of the silver "crisping-tray" technology (you know, the silver piece of paper glued to the inside of the box that's supposed to keep your pizza from getting soggy?) and attack the problem from a different angle. The verdict: Although I've never met a pizza or french fry I didn't like, I was a bit underwhelmed. The flavor was so-so and the crust a bit chewy.

SmartOnes Lasagna Bolognese, 270 calories--According to the box: "Curly, bite-sized lasagna ribbons in a rich Bolognese-meat sauce with mozzarella." In reality, 10 noodles and a small puddle of sauce. The flavor was not bad at all, but I needed more sauce to cover all my noodles.

SmartOnes Spicy Szechuan Style Vegetables & Chicken, 240 calories--My Chinese co-worker smelled the tangy szechuan sauce from all the way in the kitchen and immediately recognized it--how's that for authentic? The lo mein noodles survived the freezing and thawing process nicely and the sauce adequately covered the noodles and chicken. Pretty good.

SmartOnes Lemon Herb Chicken Piccata, 230 calories--According to the box: "Grilled white meat chicken in a tangy lemon sauce with rice & spring vegetables." If "spring vegetables" is code for "green bean slivers," then the description on the box is pretty accurate. A bit bland, but filling.

SmartOnes Teriyaki Chicken & Vegetable Bowl, 270 calories--According to the box: "Grilled White Meat chicken and Asian-style vegetables in a sweet & spicy teriyaki sauce over white rice." My favorite of the week. A filling portion of rice and veggies, good texture, and decent flavor. Not bad at all.


Share your reviews of workday fare here.

Bad JuJu

I speculate that approximately 30 percent of the time I spend walking Peanut, the Analytical Puppydog is devoted to extracting inappropriate objects from her tightly clenched teeth. Hound dog that she is, P is not satisfied until she has tracked, located, and mouthed every piece of litter, every leaf, every bug in our neighborhood.

To preserve my own sanity, I've begun to anticipate which objects Peanut will attempt to ingest, in the hopes of steering her away from them. While scanning the ground for likely temptations, I've discovered a number of unusual objects that defy explanation. I wonder, what conclusions could one draw about my neighborhood from a dogs-eye view?

Consider these objects, observed on our walk this afternoon:
Two dead birds



One ball of hair


One discarded baked potato. This poor spud had apparently been thrown against a viaduct support beam and was, amazingly, held there by its own starchy bonds.



Three chicken bones




Mysterious scrawlings



And one pork rib, cleaned to the bone



It's obvious to me that the only logical explanation for these mysterious findings is, of course, voodoo. My neighborhood has been infiltrated by spud-hating voodoo practitioners. It's the only thing that makes sense...

Axis of Evil

As mentioned in a previous post, I've spent the last few weeks compiling and distributing sponsorship solicitation packets to businesses throughout the state of Arkansas. It seemed like a fairly easy task: draft a generic approach letter, pull together some informational flyers and press clippings, call in volunteers to help stuff packets, and mail 'em out.

Hear me when I say this, people: it wasn't that easy. I'll spare you the endless details, but suffice it to say that the process involved at least two after-work meetings and several hours at the library to identify potential sponsors, two days on the phone to ascertain the contact information of the party responsible for awarding sponsorships at each company, and one terse exchange over the office copy machine that very easily could have turned ugly. And that was all BEFORE we decided that the packets were too heavy, and thus too costly, to mail and would therefore need to be hand delivered.

However, though taxing, the sponsorship packet project was certainly a learning opportunity. And now, I present part one of my findings:

Phone Tree systems are members of the Axis of Evil and must be stopped.
1. Phone tree systems steal jobs from Americans by making trained, knowledgeable receptionists obsolete. Moreover, receptionists who remain in the workforce are woefully undereducated about their companies' structures and personnel and are no more able to assist callers than phone tree systems
2. Phone tree systems prevent customers from being served by customer service
3. Phone tree systems circumvent human interaction, thereby increasing anger and frustration and perpetuating technologically-induced isolation
4. Phone tree systems cannot answer the question, "Can you tell me who I'd need to speak to about..."
5. NO, I DO NOT KNOW MY PARTY'S EXTENSION!

During my marathon phone session ("Hi, could you tell me who I'd need to speak to about sponsorships and donations?" for about 8 hours straight), I encountered myriad phone systems and was transferred among various extensions and voice mailboxes an average of 4 times per company. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is no way to run a business. What if I had been someone important calling? By way of example, I offer this transcript from my doctor's office's phone tree system (we didn't approach this office for a sponsorship, but I think it's a perfect example of the problems I encountered during the sponsorship packet project):

Thank you for calling (So-n-So Dr.'s Office). Press 0 at any time for operator assistance or, if you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time. For appointment scheduling, press 1; for insurance and patient accounts, press 2; to speak to your doctor's nurse, press 3; for lab and pathology, press 4; for prescription refills, press 5; for driving directions or office hours, press 6. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

3 (To speak to my doctor's nurse): To speak to Dr. 1's nurse, press 101. To speak to Dr. 2's nurse, press 102. To speak to Dr. 3's nurse, press 103. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911. [NOTE: MY DOCTOR IS DR. 4!!! WHAT NUMBER DO I PRESS?!)

0 (Remember, this is the extension I'm supposed to dial to get operator assistance): If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911. For lab and pathology, prescription refills, insurance and patient accounts, or to speak to your doctor's nurse, please choose from one of the menu options on the main menu.

So you see, there is really NO WAY to speak to an actual person at my doctor's office. Or any other company that uses a phone tree system. In some cases, you may luck out and reach the voice mailbox of an actual person, but you WILL NEVER SPEAK TO AN ACTUAL PERSON! And, what's up with the "life-threatening emergency" clause?

Therefore, we must band together to defeat phone tree systems. No longer will we bounce endlessly among menus and unnamed extensions. Today, we will fight back. I submit to you, then, this cheat:

Cingular Wireless Customer Service (611 from your Cingular phone or 1-800-CINGULAR):
Press 1 to confirm your phone number (or enter another number)
From the Main Menu: Press 0
From the Sub-Menu: Press 0
You may have to hold for a few minutes, but you'll get to talk to a real, live person.

Also, check out www.gethuman.com: an online database of phone tree prompts by company.

Know a phone tree cheat? Tell _The_Analyst!

Busy Week at Work

Been out on the road hand-delivering sponsorship solicitation packets to what seems like every business in the state of Arkansas. Look forward to sharing my observations about receptionists, office buildings, and phonemail systems with you. Bear with me--more analysis to come. In the meantime, here's a pigeon to keep you company.