Axis of Evil

As mentioned in a previous post, I've spent the last few weeks compiling and distributing sponsorship solicitation packets to businesses throughout the state of Arkansas. It seemed like a fairly easy task: draft a generic approach letter, pull together some informational flyers and press clippings, call in volunteers to help stuff packets, and mail 'em out.

Hear me when I say this, people: it wasn't that easy. I'll spare you the endless details, but suffice it to say that the process involved at least two after-work meetings and several hours at the library to identify potential sponsors, two days on the phone to ascertain the contact information of the party responsible for awarding sponsorships at each company, and one terse exchange over the office copy machine that very easily could have turned ugly. And that was all BEFORE we decided that the packets were too heavy, and thus too costly, to mail and would therefore need to be hand delivered.

However, though taxing, the sponsorship packet project was certainly a learning opportunity. And now, I present part one of my findings:

Phone Tree systems are members of the Axis of Evil and must be stopped.
1. Phone tree systems steal jobs from Americans by making trained, knowledgeable receptionists obsolete. Moreover, receptionists who remain in the workforce are woefully undereducated about their companies' structures and personnel and are no more able to assist callers than phone tree systems
2. Phone tree systems prevent customers from being served by customer service
3. Phone tree systems circumvent human interaction, thereby increasing anger and frustration and perpetuating technologically-induced isolation
4. Phone tree systems cannot answer the question, "Can you tell me who I'd need to speak to about..."
5. NO, I DO NOT KNOW MY PARTY'S EXTENSION!

During my marathon phone session ("Hi, could you tell me who I'd need to speak to about sponsorships and donations?" for about 8 hours straight), I encountered myriad phone systems and was transferred among various extensions and voice mailboxes an average of 4 times per company. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is no way to run a business. What if I had been someone important calling? By way of example, I offer this transcript from my doctor's office's phone tree system (we didn't approach this office for a sponsorship, but I think it's a perfect example of the problems I encountered during the sponsorship packet project):

Thank you for calling (So-n-So Dr.'s Office). Press 0 at any time for operator assistance or, if you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time. For appointment scheduling, press 1; for insurance and patient accounts, press 2; to speak to your doctor's nurse, press 3; for lab and pathology, press 4; for prescription refills, press 5; for driving directions or office hours, press 6. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

3 (To speak to my doctor's nurse): To speak to Dr. 1's nurse, press 101. To speak to Dr. 2's nurse, press 102. To speak to Dr. 3's nurse, press 103. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911. [NOTE: MY DOCTOR IS DR. 4!!! WHAT NUMBER DO I PRESS?!)

0 (Remember, this is the extension I'm supposed to dial to get operator assistance): If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911. For lab and pathology, prescription refills, insurance and patient accounts, or to speak to your doctor's nurse, please choose from one of the menu options on the main menu.

So you see, there is really NO WAY to speak to an actual person at my doctor's office. Or any other company that uses a phone tree system. In some cases, you may luck out and reach the voice mailbox of an actual person, but you WILL NEVER SPEAK TO AN ACTUAL PERSON! And, what's up with the "life-threatening emergency" clause?

Therefore, we must band together to defeat phone tree systems. No longer will we bounce endlessly among menus and unnamed extensions. Today, we will fight back. I submit to you, then, this cheat:

Cingular Wireless Customer Service (611 from your Cingular phone or 1-800-CINGULAR):
Press 1 to confirm your phone number (or enter another number)
From the Main Menu: Press 0
From the Sub-Menu: Press 0
You may have to hold for a few minutes, but you'll get to talk to a real, live person.

Also, check out www.gethuman.com: an online database of phone tree prompts by company.

Know a phone tree cheat? Tell _The_Analyst!