Peanut: On the Record

Amid a firestorm of controversy surrounding allegations of an illicit affair with a dog nearly 10 times her age, Peanut, the Analytical Puppydog released this statement through her publicist:

I'd like to take this time to clear up any misconceptions about my sexuality and gender, as it seems there's been some confusion. For the record, I am female. That's right, I squat--I don't hike a leg (pardon the vulgarity). Yes, my collar and leash are blue, but only because my daddy couldn't stand the indignity of carrying a pink leash. Moreover, although I am attracted to boy dogs (and ONLY boy dogs), I choose to remain celibate, as I am 1)unmarried and 2)incapable of bearing puppies. And yes, I'm a natural blonde.

Sources close to Peanut reveal that she is deeply saddened by the allegations. "She's like, totally broken up about it," one pal reveals. "She and Taz, like, hardly know each other. I mean, they've sniffed each other a few times, but this whole thing has been blown totally out of proportion." Another source, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed the depth of Peanut's sadness: "She hasn't bathed in days. She just lays there, chewing on her Nylabone," says the source. "She hardly even leaves the house except to potty."

Yet, Peanut's family insists she's taking the whole incident in stride. "Peanut's a resilient girl," her mommy says. "She's not going to let this get her down or keep her from accomplishing her goals. She's staying busy learning new tricks, and she's been doing some modeling for Outward Hound sportswear. We're just so proud of our little peanutty-buddy, oh yes we are! oh yes we are, little nutter-butter!"

Pew: try to use it in a sentence

Be it hereby decreed: "Pew" is the funny word of the day.

Submitted by washburn: "I've always thought "pew" was interesting. It's such a short word, but it packs such an aggressive sound - pyuuw - as in putrid. And it sounds completely out of place in the context of a church, where it is surrounded by beautiful-sounding words such as altar and baptismal and loft."


In other business:

Sixteen haiku later: There,
Now don't you feel much better?
See? work CAN be fun.

Thanks to all who participated in the Seventeen Syllables of Satisfaction contest. Your submissions kept me in stiches all day!

And the winner is:

frequent visitor
of my candy bowl: why do
you announce your choice?
Submitted by: c-dub

--c-dub is so restrained. She doesn't insist frequent visitor make his/her selection silently, she doesn't hide the candy bowl. She simply wonders, bemused, at frequent visitor's idiosyncrasy.


Honorable Mentions are awarded to:

"Hang In There"

the picture of cats
you use as a screensaver
makes me feel stabby
Submitted by: washburn

--Most Effective Use of a Title. I see it, washburn, and I feel stabby, too.


Yo, Livestrong! Friendship
bracelets ain't bidness casual.
Neither are your keds.
Submitted by: co-chair

--Best Use of Synecdoche: Co-chair brilliantly uses the offending article of clothing as a representation of the whole offending individual.


Random acts of sloth...
Sit up you worthless weirdo,
The chair 'aint' your bed.
Submitted by: anonymous

--Best Turn of Phrase: "Random acts of sloth." So clever. It just rolls off the tongue.


grandmother of five
you ask for help everyday
learn to use the dell
Submitted by: d

--Most Exasperated: d, let me guess: everytime grandmother comes to ask for help, she regales you with charming grandchild anecdotes?

A Little Sleuthing

620 Mystery Lane is a picturesque two-story Colonial Revival-style home built in 1898 and renovated in 2001, at which time it was divided into three apartments. Apartment A is home to a young married couple and their inquistive nine-month old Beagle-mix puppy, Peanut. Newcomers to Hodge-Cook House, the newlyweds are quite curious about their charmingly quirky neighbors.

Apartment C is inhabited by a mysterious gentleman in his late 30s/early 40s and an aging lhasa apso, name unknown, who approxmates a small dust-mop in size, gait, and overall appearance. Gentleman C, somewhat handsome with a touch of dignified gray at his temples, rarely entertains visitors and leaves his residence only occasionally and for short intervals. If he is employed, one must assume he works from home.

Apartment B (upstairs), is occupied, curiously, by Gentleman C's MOTHER, approximately 2-4 cats of various colorations who keep vigil in the east-facing dormer window, and a fluffy black schipperke named Taz. Kindly Madam B is afflicted with an arthritic condition and an incorrigible set of false teeth. Taz is afflicted by the exuberant Beagle next door, with whom he is most obviously annoyed.

Observations:
Gentleman C and Madam B are occasionally observed perching in almost silent repose, respecive pets in tow, on Gentleman C's porch, alongside his small hibachi grill and veritable jungle of potted plants. A proclivity to gardening seems to run in the family, and the exterior of Hodge-Cook House is grandly adorned with all manner of shurbbery, creeping vines, flowering plants, and a small but robust vegetable garden nestled between the sidewalk and parking lot. In mid-May, the vegetable garden yielded several fine heads of lettuce and two sturdy tomato vines, which, to the amazement of Apartment A's new tennants, rotted, unharvested, in the ground. The Beagle pup finds the unusual garden to be an excellent hiding place, where, under cover of dense foliage, she can carefully investigate the perimeter of Gentleman C's abode.

Gentleman C often dons cut-off Levi's 501s.

The residents of Apartment A frequently (and at odd hours) hear the angst-ridden tones of alternative rock drifting through the walls of Hodge-Cook House. They have yet to determine the source.

An Odd Occurrence:
At approximately 7:45 AM on a Monday morning several months past, the young woman in Apartment A was startled to discover a shabbily-clad man on her doorstep when she opened the door to leave for work. The man apologized for startling her and remarked that he must have had the wrong apartment. Indeed. As it turned out, the man had come in search of Gentleman C, who was not at home at the time and whose name he could not even recall until prompted, somewhat cautiously, by the young woman. As he departed, the man remarked, cryptically, "Hey, when you see him, tell him [Johnny] came by." She did not.

Who was this man? What did he want? Why was he unable to remember the name of the person he'd come to see? Where was Gentleman C at 7:45 in the morning?

Help _The_Analyst solve THE MYSTERY OF HODGE-COOK HOUSE! Who are Gentleman C and Madam B, and what's up with them? The author of the best explanation wins _The_Analyst's undying admiration and appreciation!

Seventeen Syllables of Satisfaction

Haiku: all the catharsis of a Julia Sugarbaker-style tirade compressed into seventeen syllables.


"Haiku You"

Hurricane Man, blow
Elsewhere-ward. The Eye knows not
Storms swirl around him?


Enter _The_Analyst's Seventeen Syllables of Satisfaction Contest

The challenge:
In seventeen (five-
Seven-five), tell Coworker
How you really feel.

Post your responses here.

"Plump" is the new "Fat"

I received a text message this morning: "Plump is a funny word." For some time now, my friends and I have been engaged in a quest for funny words. Though I invite many friends, acquaintances, even strangers to participate in the search, few truly grasp what it is that makes a word funny. This particular message came from Rusty, a member of the inner circle of funny-word devotees--he rarely disappoints, and today is no exception. Plump IS a funny word. Consider the vowel sound, the lowly short "u"--for some reason, it's just funnier than the energetic and upstanding long "A" or the knowing and, as E.A. Poe described it, "sonorous" long "O". The short "u" is the sound of ignorance (uuuuuhh, I don't know) and of bright light stinging sleepy eyes in the early morning (uuuuuggghh!). Listen to the pop of the initial and final P's--can't you just hear a Ball Park Frank sizzling on a charcoal grill as it, well, plumps? Wallow in the word's connotation, for plump is decidedly distinct from its more harsh, angry sister "chunky", and not nearly as stark as its frank cousin "fat". Plump is pleased with its own corpulescence. Say it a few times: plump, plump, plump! Now that's comedy.

What separates the funny word game's novices from their more seasoned counterparts is their appreciation for the subtleties of humor inherent in a particular word. Novices often submit nonsense words for humor evaluation, but these lesser members of our lexicon lack the nuance to be genuinely funny. Though words like googly-moogly or bootylicious make silly sounds, their inherent humor is at best a visceral comedy, the linguistic equal of a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel. Nonsense words are to funny what Paris Hilton is to beautiful--the most obvious and generic example. That's not to say that a silly-sounding word can't be genuinely funny, though. Take, for example, the supremely funny word "gubernatorial." The first two syllables sound as silly as any nonsense word--goooo-ber. However, unlike nonsense words, which exist solely to sound funny, goooo-ber-natorial is a legitimate word with an actual meaning, AND it sounds funny. Moreover, the conflict between the ridiculousness of the images conjured by the silliness of the sound (think chocolate covered peanuts) and the stately pomposity of the word's definition (of or relating to a governor) creates a delicious verbal irony. Why, it's downright oxymoronic! (Another wonderfully funny, albeit overused, word.)

Words need not even sound funny to be funny. Consider beverage. When have you ever heard beverage used in conversation? "Mom, I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a beveage?" "Hey, we should get together soon. Let's meet for beverages this weekend." The word is so formal, so sterile, that it's entirely foreign in everyday communication. Yet, it's emblazoned across the menu board of every fastfood restaurant in America. Imagine if all menu items were categorized in such absurdly elevated terms--instead of chicken nuggets we'd order "Fowl" and instead of hamburgers and fish sandwiches we'd order "Surf & Turf". Beverage is so beautifully awkward as it shines forth from the menu board, standing guard over little Hi-C and Dr. Pepper.

In conclusion, funny words are all around us. We need only seek out subtleties of sound and meaning to find humor in even so dry a text as a dictionary.

The First Post

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