I appreciate where you're coming from--it must be tough being the less cute, less talented older sister of an adorably charismatic, squeaky clean teeny-bopper--but being Hilary Duff's relative does not a career make. No doubt this information is difficult for you to hear. Someone, perhaps your stagemom--I mean, mother--or your manager, has convinced you that if you are photographed with Hilary often enough you will become a successful actress/singer by osmosis.
Newsflash, Hay: being photographed alongside the Princess of Perkiness ain't doin' you any favors. Rather, the brighter her
sparkling eyes shine, the duller yours seem. The more endearingly guileless and innocent her expression is, the more disingenuous and, dare I say, porn-star-esque yours becomes.
We don't know each other, Hay-Hay, and although I could venture a few guesses about your personality and upbringing based on the fact that your parents chose to deliberately misspell both yours and your sister's names, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you have some redeeming qualities. While a burgeoning starlet you most certainly are not, perhaps you are clever or witty or extremely adept at organizing closets. I write, Haylie, not to berate you for a circumstance beyond your control and of which you are no doubt already aware--namely, that you, dear, are no Hilary Duff--but to encourage you to develop your other talents. I can only assume that you have already been convinced to quit your day job; let me implore you to get it back.
Things may turn out well for you yet, Haylie Duff. That darling Lizzie Maguire-ishness that has made your sister's poor singing and overacting tolerable--nay, adorable--is beginning to fade. Thirty pounds, a set of oddly-fitting porcelain veneers, and one emo boyfriend later, and Hil's starting to look a little...pinched...
(Before)
(After)
Perhaps you're the lucky one, Haylie. Get out now while you still have some dignity left to preserve.
With concern,
_the_analyst
4 comments:
Nice letter. I enjoyed every word of it! I couldn't agree more--what does Haylie do all day anyway??? They share a house together...maybe she's Hilary's personal assistant and Hil's just nice enough to let her (Hay) be photographed with her (Hil). I have often wondered what their parents were thinking when they spelled their names. Is that really how they show up on their birth certificates or is that just their cool, celebrity-ish way of spelling them?
Btw, for some reason Hil's "before" picture didn't show up on my computer. I got the red "x". Not sure why.
Poor Hay. She needs to find her own way...
See also: Frank Timberlake.
He's nowhere near the entertainer that Justin is.
"Get out now while you still have some dignity left to preserve."
That's funny--isn't Hilary's new album called Dignity?
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