My Buddies

They tell me stories on long car rides. They make sure I keep up with foreign affairs. They are constant, reliable friends. They are the voices of NPR.

Here's how I imagine them:

Gravely-voiced, marble-mouthed Carl Kasell is the curmudgeonly grandpa of public radio. I envision him with wavy, iron-gray hair and a santa-like barrel chest and jolly belly. He wears mismatched tweeds, suit vests, and a pocket watch. At night, he reads WWII military manuals by lamplight.

Terry Gross studied clinical psychology in graduate school. She drinks gallons of herbal tea each day (exclusively in large, earthenware cafe au lait mugs). She moonlights as a yoga instructor and owns only lightweight, pastel, knit cotton clothing. She conducts interviews sitting indian-style in her beige Herman Miller Aeron Chair.

Joanne Silberner has a very tiny nose, which prevents her words from resonating fully in her head. I have formed no other conclusions about her because I am too distracted pinching my nose to mimic her voice. I want to send her a box of breathe-right strips. I wonder what happens when she gets a cold.

Ann Taylor's greying blonde hair is parted severly on the left and cut in a practical chin-length bob. She wears skit suits every day except for Saturdays, when she dons sensible slacks and hush puppies. Her Afghan Elk Hound, Champion Martha's Vineyard Excursion a.k.a. "Martie", accompanies her to the studio each day and sits stoically beneath the control panel while Ann is on air.

Melissa Block and Robert Siegel, the achors of All Things Considered, have a thing going on. They play footsie under the control panel. Sometimes, when they've had a fight, you can hear it in their voices. Bonus for college classmates: is it just me, or does Robert Siegel's voice sound eerily like the voice of a certain vertically-challenged communications professor...?

When Steve Inskeep goes on vacation, he is replaced by a gentleman named "John Itsteen" (spelling?). John and Steve are actually the same person. Sometimes Steve gets a wild hair and decides to broadcast under a pseudonym for a few days. You'll note that NPR's roster bears no mention of Mr. Itsteen...

Peter Overby's domey pate is protected from the elements only by a fringe of auburn hair above his ears. His petite frame threatens to buckle under the weight of his egghead. He is afflicted with larger-than-average teeth which often impede his speech. He received a Master's degree in economics from a university at which it would be considered prestigious to receive a Master's degree in economics. He is a congenial fellow who enjoys cheese.

Daniel Schorr must have a chronic cold. He must. There's just no other explanation. Dan, I love you, but I need my foreign policy with a little enunciation.

You can view pictures and read bios of all your favorite NPR personalities by clicking on the link in the title of this post or by pasting this URL into your browser's navigation bar: http://www.npr.org/templates/people/?typeId=1
I caution you though, just as Adam and Eve suffered the consequences of eating from the Tree of Knowledge, so to will your illusions be shattered when you see what the NPR stars really look like.