I found this on the hard drive of my computer today and thought some of you might enjoy reading it, for old times sake. This essay was part of a grand scheme ls and I cooked up to incorporate our favorite relationship term, "polyp," into the American pop-culture lexicon. We envisioned a best-selling book and apperances on Oprah. Someday, ls, someday...
If you happen to know someone who knows someone who knows Oprah, send 'em a link.
Cool-ly confident with a bad-boy demeanor and smoldering brown eyes, Jason has emerged as the heart-breaker of this season’s Laguna Beach. [This reference kinda dates the piece, huh?] Even sassy Alex and last season’s heroine, LC, have fallen for his charms. And Jessica. Oh, Jessica! There’s just something about Jason that keeps her coming back for more, despite his flirtations with other girls, his aloofness, his own admission that he treats her badly. What is it about this guy that turns an attractive, popular girl in to a clingy, ex-boyfriend-dialing wreck, and why does he continue to send Jessica the let’s-be-more-than-friends vibe, even after he’s insisted that’s all they’ll ever be? Arrgh! He’s such a...such a...polyp!
WHAT IS A POLYP?
The word polyp [paul-up] is a medical term—it’s defined as “a growth that projects, usually on a stem, from a membrane in the body, and can develop into cancer." Ewwww. However, researchers have recently borrowed the term to describe a particularly troublesome group of males discovered to be lurking around the dating pool. (Well, ok, maybe not researchers. Maybe my college girlfriends and I.) As it turns out, members of this newly identified subset of the human male population bear a striking resemblance to icky, dangerous polyps in both behavior and toxicity.
Insistence upon keeping a relationship at arm’s length is a cardinal identifier of polyp-like behavior, distinguishing a true polyp from any number of other irritating male sub-groups. If you’ve been polyp-ized, you may be familiar with one or more of the following scenarios:
o The male in question likes you, but he won’t introduce you to his friends.
o He wants to hang out, but only when it’s convenient for him (or when it’s inconvenient for you!)
o He says he’ll call you later, but forgets (or loses his phone, or gets tied up at ball practice, or is abducted by aliens, or offers some other partially convincing excuse.)
o You’re pretty sure that when you call him, your number on his caller-ID is greeted by a press of the “ignore” button.
In short, he’s not really a part of your life, but he’s still around, just danglin’ like a polyp! And such a toxic relationship definitely has the potential to become cancerous.
POLYP FIELD IDENTIFICATION
In order to aid savvy young women in the identification and removal of polyps, we've compiled a catalog of typical polyp behavior. If one or more of these characteristics applies to a male in your life, you may have been polyp-ized.
Too many good excuses: Best friends Lauren and Matt had been involved in an on-again-off-again flirtation since freshman year. Though Lauren was Matt’s trusted confidante and was always willing to console him after a difficult football practice or to keep him company on the night before a big game, Matt never seemed to be available when Lauren needed him. Though she was hurt when he missed her birthday or left her dateless on Valentine’s day, she felt guilty about expressing her anger to him because he always had such a good excuse. “There was always some good reason for him to be away on my birthday,” she says, explaining that Matt often offered his football schedule or family obligations as excuses for missing important events. “I drew a happy birthday card on the sidewalk at school for his birthday, and on my birthday, I didn’t even get a phone call!” she exclaims. Although a guy’s excuse may be totally legitimate, if it’s a part of a larger pattern of all-too-frequent really great excuses, it may be a sign of polyp-ization. A guy who sincerely wants to be a part of (rather than a dangling appendage on) your life will find a way to be there when you need him (and if he can’t be, he’ll find a really great way to make it up to you).
Too low-key: At first, sophomore Beth found the secrecy of her low-key relationship with sophisticated senior J.C. exciting. She didn’t mind that they didn’t ever go on dates because they had so much fun just talking about life, books, philosophy, everything. Determined not to be the clingy sophomore who pathetically followed her upper-classman crush around, Beth contentedly gave J.C. the space he seemed to need in social settings, rationalizing that she didn’t want to interfere with his time with his friends. After a few months, though, she started to feel a bit silly when he would pass her in the cafeteria with barely so much as a smile and a ‘hi’, and she had no idea what to tell curious classmates when asked about the status of her relationship. Though when they were alone she felt very much like part of a couple, when they were in public, they barely seemed to be friends. “You can’t really say we were dating since we only went on one date in nine months!” Beth jokes. Granted, a little privacy in a relationship can be a good thing; after all, what could be more uncomfortable than being subjected to a couple’s public fight or (worse yet) public make-out session. However, if you’re starting to feel more like his secret than his girlfriend, you may have a polyp on your hands.
Too inconsiderate of your time: Rebecca’s relationship with Liam was a classic case of good girl falls for bad boy. For this small-town girl, there was something irresistible about the school soccer star’s Irish accent and impish grin. Liam flashed the impish grin in question to ensure forgiveness for his chronic lateness. Night after night, Rebecca would sit by the window and watch the clock, wondering where Liam could be and how, in this age of electronic connectivity, he could have stumbled into an area totally cut off from all telecommunication. Why couldn’t he just call if he were going to be late, she’d wonder. “One night,” she recalls, “he said he was going to come over at nine. I didn’t hear from him until nine the next morning.” And though Liam had no problem canceling plans with Rebecca to spend time with his friends, he seemed surprised if she wasn’t available when his nights with the boys wrapped up. Failure to recognize the value of his girlfriend’s time is a classic polyp tendency, a tendency that shouldn’t be tolerated. Although it’s unrealistic to expect that your guy will always be on time, a phone call when he’s running late is simply common courtesy, as is respecting previously made plans.
PROPER TREATMENT FOR POLYP-IZATION
Just as in the medical world, the only proper treatment for this serious condition is a polyp-ectomy. Yep, you’ve just got to cut him off. Unfortunately, removing your emotional polyp is even more painful than removing a medical polyp—at least you’re anesthetized for a surgical polyp-ectomy! The prospect of removing your polyp will almost certainly evoke thoughts of those qualities you most admire in him. How, you may wonder, could a girl ever cut off the guy whose smile makes her socks melt or who understands better than anyone else her artwork,/sense of humor/love of Dickens’s novels? But cut him off you must! Whether or not he intends to, he’s becoming a hazard to your health and preventing you from finding someone who genuinely wants to be a part of your life, and by allowing him to continue dangling, you’re helping him. In the long run, the scars will be deeper if you allow your polyp to grow on you; the sooner you cut him off, the better!
